Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.