911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava