My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
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Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?