4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.