dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”