Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
“i miss shittin on people”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Merica.