I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?