The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
This came to me in a dream.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.