In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
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Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise