Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
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My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes