I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
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I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though