The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Never ghost your hitman.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Lucky old June.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting