You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
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Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Time for evil
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I’m not lazy
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.