me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Today’s Times
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
what’s more important?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up