Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
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I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔