Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
You Might Also Like
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
so much to do
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run