This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen