It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy