Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
the composer
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Lmao
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?