I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police