I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*