*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.