My Plans 2020
You Might Also Like
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.