Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
stand with me against insufficient seating
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
The struggle is real
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.