me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
They’re on their honeymoon
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.