HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not