I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
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[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I love the National Park Service.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
*eats only grass-fed donuts
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
President The Rock Obama
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit