For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
A short story of betrayal:
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
what does he know…