One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
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Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Going to church you guys need anything
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
where the womens at?
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now