“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please