Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
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All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Going into Monday like
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
this post was so formative to me
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors