Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
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Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
He just like my cat fr
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.