You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed