I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
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her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Warm pools make me nervous.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist