[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
meow
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so