A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
the only bumper sticker ill allow
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Oh, I bet you would be
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.