Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
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How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.