me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
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I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face