Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
😂💯
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
found my next D&D character name
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?