My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
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I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
No laws when master is gone
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.