I have no passwords left in me
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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m not alone. I have ants.