Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Single and childfree like Jesus
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
lmfao come on
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.