[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
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do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Super Hand Dog Face
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
When you let grandma cat sit
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now