John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
You Might Also Like
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses