*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
More like Kate Missington.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked