*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*