Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Its a hippotatomus
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks