My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
You Might Also Like
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us