Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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Mhm.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
accurate
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.