[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
You Might Also Like
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.